My Battle With Emetophobia
So I am going to open up a little bit here in this blog.
First I wanted to share a fact with you. Nearly 15-20% of us experience specific phobias at least once in our life. In the U.S., nearly 8.7% of people (aged 18 and over) have at least one extreme specific fear.
I am going to talk about my phobia....the one thing that I wish I could erase from my life completely. Some of you may know this about me...some of you may not. But I suffer from Emetophobia. Let me just define what this is for you real quick:
"Emetophobia is a phobia that causes overwhelming, intense anxiety pertaining to vomiting. This specific phobia can also include subcategories of what causes the anxiety, including a fear of vomiting in public, a fear of seeing vomit, a fear of watching the action of vomiting or fear of being nauseated."
I never really knew that there was a term for this. But I was acutely aware that I had a major phobia of the stomach flu. I know...it sounds so crazy! I have had this dreaded stomach flu a handful of times in my life, and have survived every single time. The older I got, the more intense this fear became ~ to a point where it literally consumes my thoughts. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. These thoughts pop into my head while I'm watching TV, while I'm at work, when I'm out in public. If someone is looking off, I wonder if they are going to be sick. I feel like I'm just biding my time until I catch this virus again (it's been about 4 years and 1 month since I last had it).
Mine may be a sub-category of emetophobia, because I do not get worried about people throwing up when they are drinking (although it does gross me out). What I fear most is catching the stomach bug, and then having to go through this process myself. If the stomach flu is going around, I usually stop eating, or eat very minimally. Because in my head, if I don't have anything in my stomach then I won't have anything to throw up. Especially dinner since most of the time the stomach flu wakes you in the middle of the night. Totally logical right?!
I feel like my senses are so in-tune and aware of key words like stomach, flu, nauseous, sick, ill. It really is amazing. If we are sitting at a crowded restaurant, and someone a few tables over mentions stomach it's like my auditory senses automatically zone in and pick up on these words. And then I start to obsess...Are they sick? Are they going to be sick? Does their stomach hurt? What's wrong with them? It takes a lot for me not to come across like a crazy person...because I literally have to stop myself from interrogating people who mention anything of the sort.
I know the incubation periods, the timelines, the symptoms...how long I have if I'm in contact with a person (up to 72 hours) before I would get the stomach virus. How long someone is contagious (up to 2 weeks). How it is contracted (through vomit or feces carrying the virus). All of this means if someone mentions that they had the stomach flu yesterday, my life for the next 72 hours is typically in a constant state of anxiety.
I associate children with the stomach flu and germs, so this greatly affects my time when I am with them; family parties, birthdays, public places where kids play. I feel like I am on constant alert and always scanning each child looking for signs that they may be sick. This really affects my state of well-being when we have my Step-Daughter with us, ESPECIALLY during flu season. I dread the knock on the door in the middle of the night hearing..."Daddy my stomach hurts." I literally start to shake uncontrollably and it takes a long time to calm myself down.
This has also played into my thoughts on having children. What am I going to do if my kid has the stomach flu? How will I take care of them if I am having a panic attack? How will I manage in a situation like that?
Let me answer a few questions for you that I typically get. No....I am not afraid of germs. I don't like them, but if someone has another illness it doesn't bother me. No...I'm not afraid of dying from throwing up. No...I don't remember having a specific incident when I was younger that brought this on. No... I never choked so badly that it has brought on this fear. Yes...I know logically that I will survive, and that it usually goes away within a few hours. Yes...I know all of this sounds absolutely ridiculous.
When I talk to others about this, they give me look like they are trying to understand, but I know underneath they are thinking that I am crazy. It's a struggle...and a real one. Talking to others about it, and trying to explain it only makes me feel worse. I feel like I'm alone, and no one understands. This has been a struggle with my husband and I. I know he tries to understand, but it's hard for him. When he doesn't feel the same way I do, he cannot grasp how intense and debilitating my feelings actually are. I try to explain it, but I feel like the words fall on deaf ears.
I started to research this, and came across emetophobia, and the more I read about it, the more I realized that this is exactly what I had. They would list the behaviors associated with the phobia, what people go through, and their thought processes. It's actually more common than you think! Here are just some of the symptoms:
excessive cleanliness
fear of eating outside of one’s home, or eating food one has not prepared (in case it may lead to food poisoning which would cause vomiting)
fear of taking any prescription medication that may have nausea or vomiting as a listed side-effect.
fear of all children (as they vomit more often, sometimes without warning, and they are more prone to viruses)
fear of pregnancy (due to morning sickness, or vomiting at delivery)
When emetophobics encounter someone who is vomiting, or feels ill, they will:
panic immediately, often with incredible immediacy
become dissociative and completely irrational, often crying, screaming, and sometimes harming themselves or others.
refuse to remain in the house, car or enclosed place with the sick person even if it is their own child or a family member who “needs their help”
If emetophobics feel nauseous, or believe for some other reason they may vomit they will often:
refuse to eat or drink (they think they can’t vomit if their stomach is empty)
assume all gastro-intestinal feelings are nausea, which will lead to vomiting. (This may also extend to mistaken feelings about dizziness, headache, body temperature, etc.)
panic, and continue to have a series of panic attacks over long periods of time (as they are unable to avoid the stimulus which is their own body)
The lists go on and on...but I realized that I wasn't alone...and maybe I wasn't crazy.
The reason (to me) that this phobia is really hard to cope with is the fact that you cannot see it. This isn't like having a phobia of mice, where you see one...you freak out...and then it's gone. This is a phobia where the virus is around, but you just don't know where. You don't know if your near it, if you will get it...you are completely out of control.
I have met a few people in my life who share the same experiences that I do, and it was such a relief to finally meet someone who understands me. It was like an instant bond, a sisterhood...emetophobes unite! If I'm feeling out of control, or worried I can reach out to them and they will be a calming force because they know EXACTLY how I feel.
I have been to therapy for this, which hasn't helped too much. They say that CBT therapy (cognitive-behavioral therapy) or gradual exposure helps the most. Gradually expose myself to the stomach virus? UMMMM that sounds HORRIBLE!
I recently got a medication that will stop me from vomiting in case I ever do get the stomach flu. This has been a big help for me...knowing that I have something that can stop the virus in it's tracks.
But what I really want to say is... for those who don't understand: be patient. And for those who suffer the way I do...know that you aren't alone. There are people out there just like you! Feel free to comment if you want to talk about your experiences whether they be similar or different.
<3 P.S. Thank you for supporting me always, and for being on this journey with me. Some days are harder than others, and as time goes on I just hope to evolve past this phobia. How liberating it must feel to not have a fear consume your thoughts every single day.