My Husband and I are Having Affairs...
A few weeks ago I had a realization...
It took me quite some time to figure this out, or to actually pay attention to it. Which is funny considering it was literally staring me in the face every single day. But my husband and I were having affairs, right in front of each other. We weren't trying to hide it, and we weren't keeping it a secret. I think we both just decided to turn a blind eye to it...because sometimes it's easier to go along with a negative instead of confronting it and changing it.
But one night, I had reached my tipping point. I had enough. Things had to change...immediately.
I get it...on both of our ends this other partner was able to provide immediate emotional responses that we were both looking for. In the mood to laugh? They could do that. In the mood to be intellectually stimulated? No problem. In the mood to be entertained? Absolutely! Our other partners were smart...they had the answer to any question my husband and I had...and the best thing was, they were always available.
If you haven't already figured it out...I'm talking about our cell phones. And I am sure that you may or may not have the same kind of affair going on in your household.
**I need to preface this story with the fact that when my husband and I moved almost a year ago, we never put a tv in our bedroom. Not intentionally at first, but an intentional decision it became. Without the distraction of tv to fall sleep to, the following happened:**
I was starting to realize, that every single night when we got into bed, my husband and I would reach for our phones and engage with them...for hours. Facebook, I have come to realize is a vortex of information, videos, pictures, articles, debates...it can suck you in if you aren't careful. I have clicked on a video, only to realize an hour later that similar videos kept appearing and I hadn't lifted my eyes from the screen.
Social media, endless games, texting, emails, WORK...your phone is the hub of everything that you partake in. It seems like our days start and end with these machines...
I, myself, had recently downloaded a game that was really peaking my interest... (I won't disclose the name of it, for I will date myself and who wants that!). So besides my Facebook and Instagram which constantly called my name, I was sucked into this game. Good thing you eventually run out of lives, or I fear that I would have never stopped playing!
I was also noticing that I would go to bed, and my husband (laying next to me) would be on his phone until 1, sometimes 3 in the morning. "I'm not tired"...would be his response. I would roll over, fall asleep, and wake up an hour later to glow of the blue hue coming from his direction.
I realized that when we woke up in the morning, the first thing we would do is look at our phones. Our alarms would go off, we would grab them, and the same black hole would drag us in. What notifications did we get overnight? What emails do we have? Who posted a picture at 2am that I missed?? I would sometimes find myself laying in bed for hours in the morning not moving because my phone had once again sucked me in.
I started thinking..."If we didn't have our cell phones in bed...what would we be doing?" Would we talk to one another more? Would we laugh together more? Would we be more intimate? Would go to bed earlier, and would we sleep better? Would we wake each other up with a hug and kiss to say good morning and cuddle? I started to imagine this world where cell phones weren't our main focus, and instead we, as a couple, became each other's focus.
WAIT A SECOND! What?? Why am I imagining this?? This could easily and should easily be reality. So as I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep while my husband was engaged on his cell phone beside me...my mind was turning with the possibilities of how to make this idea become a reality.
"Babe...I was thinking...and I have an idea." With little to no resistance (I was shocked) my wonderful husband agreed to go along with my plan.
Over the next couple of days, I needed to get supplies to make this transition easier. I wanted to make sure that we succeeded, which meant having no hiccups that could make my experiment fail before it even started. I went out and bought an alarm clock, and a book light. - That should do it.-
So here was the agreement...cell phones weren't allowed in the bed anymore. Pretty simple. I set up my charger in the bathroom, and my husband set his up on the dresser. ***I think the future goal is to get our phones to actually be moved to another room, but hey, baby steps.***
I got the alarm so I wouldn't need my cell phone to wake me up, and I got the book light so if one of us wanted to read and the other wanted to sleep, we were able to do so.
It has been two weeks since the start of this experiment and here is what I have found:
My husband hasn't stayed up past 12 since the first night we implemented this. Most of the time, if we are going to bed, he reads a book for 10 minutes and falls asleep.
I am reading more often, and so is my husband. I used to read a lot, and I started to find myself being more drawn to playing games on my phone than reading. That has changed now, and I really enjoy reading books before bed.
My husband and I talk and interact more with each other. Instead of being glued to our phones and being distracted, we actually discuss things, or say what's on our minds.
I have gone to bed more often laughing than not. This may have to do with my husband's ridiculous jokes of using the book light as a Harry Potter wand, but needless to say, it's nice falling asleep with a smile on my face.
We fall asleep more so around the same time. Instead of my husband staying up until 2am, he is usually falling asleep around the same time as me now - which means I get a cuddle session earlier in the night!
We interact more in the morning. My husband will get up to turn off his alarm, and then come back into bed for a quick hug and relax time before actually getting up and starting his day.
I am more productive. Not having my phone next to me doesn't allow me to just lounge around in bed for hours. It forces me to get up and get my day started, which actually gives me more sustained energy.
All in all, a ton of improvements, and no negatives to speak of. This "experiment" is no longer an experiment...it has becomes a way of life for us. It has only been a few weeks, but I'm sticking to it, and I suggest you try it at home too! Our affairs (for the most part) are slowly ending. Don't get me wrong...this is a life long battle that takes a lot of conscious effort. But making small changes can create a world of a difference.
<3 P.S.
Sometimes my husband and I need a little bit of reminding of our agreement. My husband has called me out, and I have had to remind him at times of our rule...but we both laugh and put our cell phones where they belong - OUT OF THE BED! Don't get mad or discouraged if you slip... just accept it, correct it, and keep on making those efforts to be more present.