Well What Did You Think Was Going to Happen?

"I don't want to be pregnant right now!"

Those were the exact words I screamed in the kitchen one morning as I was making breakfast with my husband.  Panic was starting to set in, because I was late.  Late is normal for me...but I was late for being late.  It didn't help that we were leaving for Napa in two weeks for my husband's 40th birthday celebration.  Wine country, beautiful weather, and great food were just out of arms reach.  "We are so stupid! We knew we were leaving for California this month, why weren't we careful?"

**Let me rewind a bit so you can understand how we got to this point in time.  I have always wanted kids.   At least thats what everyone tells me.  I don't know if I quite remember those feelings in full.  But as I grew older, and got married those feelings morphed into... Do I want kids?  I love the lifestyle I have.  I love traveling with my husband and I love our free time.  Having a Step-daughter, I became more aware of what time was like with a kid around, and what time was like with just my husband.

But Jay really wanted another one.  And I was on the fence.  So we decided to not try, but to not not try. AKA we weren't tracking ovulation, we didn't make sex a chore, I had no idea when we had sex or if it was the right time or not.  We just didn't use protection and waited to see what happened.  I had this idea in my head that if the universe wanted us to have a kid, we would get pregnant.  And if not, then it wasn't meant to be.  Fast forward 4 months.**

I was tossing and turning two nights in a row, wondering why I wasn't getting my period yet.  My boobs were sore which was a typical period symptom for me, but I wasn't getting the normal headache and cramping that comes along with my cycle. 

I called two people: My friend Alex who recently had a baby, and my Mom.  "I'm freaking out!" I told them.  "I'm late, and we are leaving for Napa..and what if???"

Both gave me great advice.  My mother telling me to not get upset and to take a test first.  Who knows if I even was pregnant.  And Alex talked me through the different scenarios...if I was pregnant lets play out how Napa would be.  Both helped to calm me down.  

I told Jay I needed to take a test that night.  We went out to dinner with my Dad and his girlfriend, and I was starting to get some cramps.  What a relief!  I felt like I was going to get my period any minute now.  But since I had two people waiting for me to call them back about a test result, I figured it would be best to take the test anyway and put the whole situation to rest.

After dinner, Jay and I bought a test, and went home to get it over with.  I was totally confident walking into the bathroom.  "This is going to come out negative," I thought.  "I can't believe I was getting myself so worked up."

I did the whole pee on a stick (which is so awkward), stepped out of the bathroom, and started to get changed for bed.  Jay was laying down as cool as could be.  I walked back into the bathroom to pick up the test and there it was in big bold letters... PREGNANT.

I looked out to Jay and all I could say was "Oh my God."

"Stopppppp," he said with a  smile.  He totally thought I was messing around.

"No..Oh my God."  At this point tears were welling up in my eyes.  But I am going to be honest...these were not tears of joy.  They were tears of panic, of fear, of maybe a slight tinge of excitement, of anxiety.  Everything in our world had changed in that instant, and the feelings were overwhelming.

Jay came over and hugged me, but I don't think he knew exactly what to do.  Was I excited? Was I upset?  How should he react to me?  I don't think I even knew myself.  I knew I was panicking, but now that I was pregnant I couldn't even take a Xanax!  

I called my Mom who, of course, was over the moon excited.  But at the same time she was worried about me.  "I can only be as happy as you" she kept saying.  I couldn't even process what was going on.

I needed to be alone for a second.  I ran into the bathroom and shut the door.  Sitting down I tried to take some deep breaths and calm myself down.  It felt surreal.  Was this really happening?  I felt like I was stuck in a dream...or a nightmare.  Things would never be the same.  How would I sleep that night?  How would I ever sleep again?? Those were some of the thoughts running through my head.  What did we do??  "Babe..are you ok?" Jay asked through the door.  "I'm fine" I replied.  

I called Alex.  "This is going to be GREAT!" she kept trying to tell me.  As convincing as she was trying to make it sound, I wasn't sure I was buying it.

My mind was on overdrive.  I was terrified!  Scared of how my body would change, scared of how our lives would change, and every now and again I would have a thought of how amazing it all could be.

While laying there with my Jay, he laughed and said "Well what did you think was going to happen?"  

I guess when you are just going through your daily routine, you don't think much is going to happen.  Life is continuing on and then BAM, something unexpected occurs and it changes everything in an instant.

I open up my Motherhood blog with this story, because I know I may not have the typical reaction to finding out about our pregnancy. Or maybe I do?  Is every single woman jumping for joy when they find out the news?  Or are some people as confused and scared as I was?  I'm sure each person has their own unique experience, and I wanted to share mine.  Because at the end of the day I think it's all ok.  All of the feelings I had in that moment were real.  And as each day passes, the idea of being pregnant and the life that we are forming is growing on me..literally.

<3 P.S.

I blog with an honest and open heart.  I hope that I don't come across as ungrateful for this experience.  I am beyond thankful that I get to experience this journey with my husband, it is just taking some time to process it all.  I know there are some people that try so hard to get pregnant and can't... which fills me with guilt.  Here I am, confused and scared and pregnant without really trying, and there are people out there who would give anything to be pregnant and have a really hard time getting there.  I hope that sharing my experiences will allow others who may be feeling the same way to realize it's ok to feel this way, and maybe it's not as abnormal as you think.