Married to a Travelin' Man
In the middle of my pregnancy, my husband applied for a new position at a new company. We were both really excited because it would be a higher position and better pay. When he got the job I remember him delivering the good news. I had tears in my eyes and my heart was bursting with joy. He had worked so hard to get to where he is today and he deserved this position!
“How much do you have to travel?”
This is the question that always comes out of my mouth whenever he talks about something new in his career.
“Only a couple times a month.”
This seemed too good to be true.
Jay started his new job a month before Ryker was born. Needless to say, this new job required a lot more travel than we were told. A couple weeks after Ryker was born, Jay was on the road again. This was definitely not the way I had imagined life with a newborn baby.
Being married to a traveling partner can be really tough, especially when you have kids. I had always imagined that I would have a partner who was 50/50 with me all the time…dirty diapers, bedtime, waking up in the middle of the night, dealing with colds - you know…all the ins and outs of raising a little human. Once Jay started traveling, it became apparent to me that the brunt of raising our son was on my shoulders. Being a brand new Mom, this was a lot for me to handle, and to digest. (we will save that topic for another blog).
I would guesstimate that Jay travels more than 50% of the year. Some weeks he is gone Monday-Friday, some weeks its only a couple days, and then there are stretches of a couple weeks where he is home (my favorite!!).
But the dynamics of a family with a traveling spouse can be tricky. When Jay is gone, Ryker and I fall into our own routines. I know what I am feeding him, where we are going, how the bedtime routine works. I know what has to be done, and I do it because I’m the only one here. The messes that I clean up are ours. I typically climb into bed once I put Ryker to sleep because I am tired myself.
When my husband comes back from trips, we have to adjust and do things differently. Ryker is always ecstatic when Jay comes home, as am I. I feel a sense of relief because now I have someone else who can help and give me a moment to myself. It also means, that my expectations change. I become more reliant on another person instead of taking on all responsibility myself. With that comes another challenge: when expectations aren’t met, this mama can get annoyed real quickly.
Coping with Jay being away in the beginning was tough. I have trust issues due to past experiences, and having him gone all the time, out with people I don’t know, wasn’t the easiest thing. However, raising an infant is exhausting and so time consuming, that I don’t have energy to worry about what Jay is doing anymore. Don’t take that the wrong way…I’m not saying by any means that my husband is shady - I’m just saying my own trust issues had to take a back seat.
Jay is basically living out of a suitcase for half of the year. There is always one half packed in our bedroom…a constant reminder that his presence at home is not a permanent one. I get spurts of times when Jay stays home for a couple of weeks at a time. It is amazing!!! I get a taste of what it must be like to have a live in partner 24/7. And when travel dates start to creep up I get a pit in my stomach because I know this family dynamic will change again, and he will be gone.
Sometimes I thrive in my own space. Sometimes I love that I can go to bed early at night, and I can sleep peacefully without the light of a computer next to me (my husband works late), or someones snoring waking me up. And sometimes, I hate the fact that he is gone. I hate that we have to spend time apart. I hate that I don’t have a dinner partner, a breakfast partner, a partner to watch Ryker after work so I can get in a workout. Sometimes I hate that my husband is sleeping in a hotel room, untethered to a little snuggle bug of a human. He will never have to wake up at 2 am to rock Ryker back to sleep. He can go to dinner and have wine with coworkers and eat a hot meal without having to feed someone else while sneaking in your own bites whenever you can.
Ryker is getting older, and each day that goes by, he is becoming more and more aware of who is here and who is gone. When Jay is gone, Ryker calls for Dada all the time, and when Jay is home, Ryker is such a happy, well balanced boy.
As a family, we do our best to make the most out of each day that we can spend together. I’m hoping that we can work hard, and put the time in now while Ryker is little so that in a few years, Jay won’t have to travel so much and we can all be together again. I don’t have all the answers, but I do have some tips for those of you dealing with a traveling spouse. They aren’t going to fix everything, but they sure have helped us!
Facetime: FaceTime is a wonderful feature of the iPhone. It brings about a different kind of connection, because you can see and hear the other person. This is especially effective with children. Ryker loves being able to see his Dad when he is away. We always try to make it a point to FaceTime when Ryker is going to bed.
Text each other: Sometimes out of sight can mean out of mind, especially when you are busy working. Everyone knows how easily our work days can get away from us. Between calls, and meetings you look down and almost the whole day has passed. Text each other in the morning, check in in the afternoon, and always call to say goodnight.
Leave Each Other Notes: When Jay started traveling a long time ago, I used to leave a card in his suitcase. Now I just leave handwritten notes (because Hallmark cards are expensive!) But whether you are the traveler, or the one being left at home, leaving each other notes, or doing something little for them shows that you are thinking of them. Finding a note from my husband under my pillow the night he has left always brings me the most joy. It’s like a little part of him is home.
Share and Be Transparent: Since you guys are apart, the other has no idea what is going on during your day. Share with your partner what plans you have. Fill them in on your schedule. You may be miles apart, but you can still make each other feel involved. There is nothing worse than hearing about a fun night out the day after the fact. Honest communication and transparency will keep your relationship strong and make your partner feel happy and secure.
I hope that these tips help to make your dynamic at home and the transition of traveling a little bit easier.
<3
P.S.
Do you have a spouse that travels? What are your tips and tricks to coping with the separation?